Beyond Survival: Reimagining Loyalty in LGBTQ+ Spaces

You're absolutely right, and it's time to be blunt about this: the foundation of the LGBTQ+ community was survival, not loyalty. And the difference between these two concepts is immense. Survival is about getting through to the next day, about protecting yourself and making it to the next moment. Survival is reactive, primal. But loyalty—that’s different. Loyalty is intentional, proactive, and built through time, respect, and reciprocity. It’s an unspoken agreement that says, “I see you, I’ve got your back, and you can rely on me.” That kind of bond isn’t built out of just showing up at the same events or facing similar battles. Loyalty goes far beyond shared struggle.

And here’s the problem: too many are conflating the struggle we’ve shared with real loyalty, thinking that the act of simply existing in the same marginalized space automatically means we’re aligned, bound to one another, or even working toward the same goals. That confusion is dangerous. It leads people to assume they’re owed allegiance simply because they belong to the same community. But that belief skips the foundation necessary to build genuine trust. Loyalty demands not just a shared experience but mutual respect, honesty, and the willingness to put in the hard work. It asks us to confront ourselves and each other, to examine the ways we’ve been shaped by harm, and to choose, actively, not to replicate that harm within our own spaces.

For too many in the LGBTQ+ community, survival-mode has turned into a self-protective, almost competitive space where harm done to us on the outside is unconsciously reproduced inside our community walls. We talk about inclusivity, about “having each other’s backs,” but what happens too often is that people bring the toxic behaviors from outside right back into what’s supposed to be a sanctuary. It’s the “snake pit” effect—a term that hits hard but describes exactly what can happen when we confuse survival with loyalty. The snake pit is real; it’s a pattern where people, comfortable with the chaos of survival, treat each other as obstacles or threats rather than allies. Loyalty isn’t even part of the equation in this environment because, for many, survival-mode creates an every-person-for-themselves mentality, whether we admit it or not.

If we’re keeping it real, real loyalty requires vulnerability and transparency. It means we have to be willing to set down our defenses, to be honest about our intentions, and to accept accountability. Loyalty isn’t about blind allegiance; it’s about showing up for each other in a way that leaves room for growth, for respect, and for building each other up without tearing anyone down. It’s the kind of commitment that takes time to develop, and it doesn’t happen automatically. But this shift—from survival to loyalty—is possible, even if it demands difficult conversations, personal introspection, and consistent accountability from all of us.

In survival-mode, community is transactional. People gather out of a sense of necessity, looking out for who can help them get by. And that makes sense; survival doesn’t allow for the luxury of deep trust. It’s about who can help you get through the moment. But true community—that’s something that requires a willingness to shed the survival mask and truly show up for one another. Building loyalty within the LGBTQ+ community means doing the work to break down the cycles of harm that have shaped so many of our experiences. It means putting aside assumptions, acknowledging each other’s boundaries, and approaching one another with a mindset that’s not only about getting by but about thriving, about having relationships that can withstand conflict, that encourage accountability, and that lift us all up collectively.

Here’s the raw truth: if we’re ever going to transform LGBTQ+ spaces into something authentic and sustaining, it’s time to strip away the illusions. Survival is no longer enough. The hurt we’ve faced, while valid and real, can’t be an excuse to let toxicity run unchecked within our spaces. We’ve been given the chance to create something powerful, but it can only be done if we’re ready to redefine community—not as a place where we gather for temporary safety but as a space built on the principles of respect, trust, and genuine care.

So let’s call it like it is. What we’ve got now, in many cases, is survival-mode masquerading as community. We can change that, but only if we’re ready to set down our old defenses, to be accountable, and to genuinely invest in one another. Community isn’t just about surviving anymore—it’s about building a future where loyalty, trust, and authenticity are the cornerstones. Let’s stop just surviving together and start building something better, something real.

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Photo taken in 2017 of a murder of a trans woman in Nashville, TN on the street in an action.

Introduction:

For decades, the LGBTQ+ community has been a sanctuary for those seeking safety, acceptance, and belonging in a world that often refuses them these basic dignities. But as these spaces have evolved, a critical issue has emerged: too often, we’re conflating survival with loyalty. The communities that once organized out of sheer necessity have, for many, become transactional rather than transformational. Survival doesn’t build loyalty—it keeps you guarded, always looking over your shoulder.

Real loyalty requires more than just showing up. It requires trust, accountability, and intentional work. This blog takes a hard look at why survival-mode doesn’t automatically foster loyalty in queer spaces and why, if we want to build true community, we need to move beyond just getting by together.

Understanding the Roots of LGBTQ+ Spaces—Why Survival Was the Foundation

To understand where we are now, we must first understand why queer communities were formed. Historically, these spaces served as refuges from a world that rejected us. The Stonewall Inn, for example, provided a haven for marginalized LGBTQ+ people, but it wasn’t built on loyalty—it was built on necessity. According to historian Martin Duberman, spaces like Stonewall were a response to the systemic exclusion and violence faced by queer individuals (Duberman, 1994).

Research Insight:
LGBTQ+ spaces were, in many ways, forced into existence. This sense of shared struggle brought people together, but it also meant that survival—not loyalty—was the primary concern. A 2022 study published in the Journal of Queer Studies highlights how LGBTQ+ individuals experience heightened vigilance in these spaces, often mirroring the same urgency and defensiveness that characterizes their interactions in mainstream society.

Takeaway:
When survival is at the core, people are there because they need to be, not because there’s a shared foundation of trust. And survival-mode keeps people on high alert, preventing the deep connections needed for genuine loyalty.

Survival vs. Loyalty—Recognizing the Key Differences

Let’s get clear about the difference between survival and loyalty. Survival means we’re getting through the day, focused on protecting ourselves and fighting for another day. Loyalty, on the other hand, is rooted in consistent respect, the kind of showing up that goes beyond momentary needs. Loyalty isn’t automatic—it’s earned through mutual trust, openness, and the willingness to have each other’s back in ways that are intentional and sustaining.

Research Insight:
Psychologist Susan David explains that survival-mode responses are rooted in our brain’s limbic system, where threat detection takes priority over social bonding. This means survival keeps people guarded, while loyalty, which requires deeper trust, engages the brain’s higher cognitive functions. Loyalty involves vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to set down one’s guard to build lasting relationships (David, Emotional Agility, 2016).

The Reality Check:
Without trust and transparency, we fall back into survival-mode behaviors—reproducing the same toxic patterns of competition, suspicion, and defensiveness that queer spaces were meant to offer refuge from. If we want loyalty, we have to do the work to create it.

The “Snake Pit” Reality—Confronting Toxicity in LGBTQ+ Spaces

The snake pit metaphor captures the toxicity that survival-mode can bring into queer spaces. Too many have come to these spaces bringing with them the same hurt and defensive behaviors that their experiences outside the community have conditioned them to adopt. Instead of providing sanctuary, these spaces can become fraught with power struggles, betrayal, and competition. When we conflate shared struggle with loyalty, we risk reinforcing cycles of harm.

Research Insight:
In a 2021 study on social dynamics within LGBTQ+ spaces, researchers found that competitiveness and distrust are prevalent, especially in urban areas where access to resources can be limited (source: Sociology of LGBTQ+ Studies, 2021). When queer spaces operate under a survival-first mentality, it’s easy to see each other as obstacles rather than allies.

The Hard Truth:
We’re in a cycle where harm continues to be done within our own communities because people are trapped in survival-mode. We’ve become comfortable navigating the snake pit, adapting to defensiveness, often seeing one another more as threats than as allies. True loyalty requires breaking free of this mindset—but that can’t happen without intentional, collective effort.

Moving from Survival to Loyalty—What Real Community Can Look Like

So, if survival doesn’t foster loyalty, what will? Building true community means shifting from survival-mode to relationships based on intentional trust, mutual respect, and accountability. Loyalty is possible in queer spaces, but it demands hard work, open communication, and a commitment to growth over harm. Here’s how we can begin that transformation:

1. Radical Transparency:
   Transparency is the foundation of loyalty. Creating spaces where members can openly communicate their needs, boundaries, and expectations lays the groundwork for trust.

   Research Insight:
   Brené Brown, in her work on vulnerability and leadership, shows how open communication can create trust and loyalty in group dynamics (Dare to Lead, 2018). For LGBTQ+ spaces, this means dismantling facades and embracing vulnerability, both of which are essential for real connections.

2. Accountability Without Alienation:
   Accountability is not about punishment; it’s about holding each other to higher standards while recognizing one another’s humanity. By creating a culture of accountability, we set the bar for how we treat each other and build loyalty through respect.

   Case Study:
   In 2020, the Queer Liberation March in New York City served as an example of LGBTQ+ groups reclaiming Pride from corporate ties and over-policing, which often alienated marginalized members within the community. This event highlighted the importance of accountability and inclusion over exclusion, laying the groundwork for a loyalty-based community.

3. Prioritizing Healing Over Harm:
   A survival-first mindset is often defensive and guarded, but a loyalty-based mindset prioritizes openness and mutual support. Shifting our spaces to focus on healing requires investing in mental health resources and creating peer-support networks that allow people to move from survival to thriving.

   Research Insight:
   A 2023 study in the Journal of LGBTQ+ Psychology found that queer spaces incorporating communal healing practices, such as group therapy and peer support, significantly improved trust and cohesion among members.

Steps Toward Building Loyalty-Driven LGBTQ+ Spaces

If we truly want LGBTQ+ spaces to move beyond survival-mode, here are actionable steps that can help transform the way we engage with one another:

1. Regular Community Check-ins:
   Community check-ins give people a chance to be heard, set intentions, and address conflicts. This practice can foster a deeper sense of connection and ensure everyone feels valued and respected.

2. Education on Trauma and Trust-building:
   Offering education on trauma and its impact on trust can help individuals understand and empathize with each other’s experiences. This awareness allows us to create bonds that are understanding rather than reactionary.

3. Inclusive Representation and Intentional Leadership:
   Community-building efforts must center the most marginalized voices. This means prioritizing spaces where Black trans women, queer people with disabilities, and others who face compounded challenges are represented and valued. When we elevate those voices, we create space for everyone.

4. Mental Health Support and Resource Allocation:
   Mental health services, trauma counseling, and peer support are crucial. True loyalty requires that we are mentally and emotionally prepared to engage in ways that respect each other’s boundaries, without re-triggering past trauma.

Conclusion: It’s Time to Move Beyond Survival

The LGBTQ+ community has fought hard for rights, visibility, and basic safety. But survival alone is no longer enough. If we want to build spaces that feel like true community—where loyalty, trust, and mutual respect are at the core—we must recognize and move beyond survival-mode behaviors. Loyalty isn’t built through shared struggle alone; it’s a conscious choice that demands accountability, transparency, and intentional care for each other’s growth and well-being.

We have the chance to create something powerful, something more than just a place to exist, but a community where we can truly belong. So, let’s be real: it’s time to strip away the survival mindset and replace it with the intentional, authentic community we all deserve. It’s time to stop just surviving and start building something real together.

References:

1. Duberman, M. (1994). Stonewall: The Definitive Story of the LGBTQ Rights Uprising that Changed America. Dutton.

2. “The Psychological Cost of Survival.” Journal of Queer Studies, 2022.

3. David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. Avery.

4. Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.

5. “Competing in Queer Spaces.” Sociology of LGBTQ+ Studies, 2021.

6. “Communal Healing in Queer Spaces.” Journal of LGBTQ+ Psychology, 2023.